Universal Theories

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Universal Galactic Theories

The Theory of De-evolution


The theory of de-evolution was promoted by the psycho waste technician theoreticists, a.k.a. the thinking garbage collectors of the universe.

The theory goes something like this:

If you consider that there are infinite star systems in the Ultimate Universe, and if even one tenth of one percent of these develop intelligent life forms, and of those, if only one tenth of one percent achieve interstellar travel, they aren’t sure how many life forms that is but it does equate to a whopping lot of space travel going on. It is also a well-known galactic fact that for some reason, the more evolved a species becomes, the more trash it produces. Some of the younger and bolder psycho techs ventured to just go ahead and redefine the development of advanced intellect as a sign of de-evolution of the species rather than progress. They state that a primitive species lives in harmony with its environment. It utilizes everything and produces virtually zero waste. The more intelligent they become, two things happen, one, they become inherently lazy, creating things like remote controls so they do not have to walk six feet, and second, they begin to pile up heaps of garbage. They do not wish to take care of the garbage themselves, so they hire others to move the garbage for them. Which reverts back to instance one, they are lazy.

This began a short lived Re-Evolution campaign, where the psycho tech union asked planets to stop educating their young, in hopes they would become more stupid and less likely to create mounds of trash, thereby making the job of psycho-techs much easier. Some planets were eager to comply, realizing they could use their ill spent funds on education on more important things like custom colored atmospheres. And while the theory seemed to be proving correct, as there was less garbage to collect, the psycho tech waste collection and disposal union, facing vast layoffs in personnel as garbage collection became a thing of the past, instituted in its stead an inter-galactic Mardi Gras, thus creating enough rubbish to salvage their jobs. They quietly swept the Re-evolution campaign under the chairperson’s rug (it is a very big rug) and refused to discuss such ludicrous assumptions of de-evolution again. They also passed a galactic law prohibiting psycho techs from forming theories or thinking.


The Theory of Relativity:


First the Theory of relativity is actually the Law of Relativity, but it just doesn’t sound as nice to say, so it is still called the Theory of Relativity by most everyone except the diehard Lawologists. Since most people do not care what the Lawologists think, and they receive relatively little funding from the Ultimate Galactic Headquarters, so their complaints are largely dismissed and ignored.

The Galactic Guild of Civil Relations and Time Continuity, at its 2,354th Annual conference unanimously agreed upon the Theory of Relativity. Well, almost unanimously, 159 votes of Aye and one vote abstained because he was locked, gagged in a closet. The guild had spent over 2,000 years working on this theory and they were not about to let one old fogey determined to insist time was constant to stand in the way of progress. Since everyone present to vote, voted Aye, the Theory of Relativity was passed into law and now is the dominant resource for determining all factors of time. Some other science branches had to do some quick shifts, as time no longer remaining constant jumbled up their calculations a bit. Time had to do some shifting as well to keep up with progress, but not wanting to be left out of the loop, it has done its job sportingly. Anyway, being constant was terribly boring and jumping around a bit made eternity much more interesting, so Time was happy to comply.


The Law:


Time is directly related to circumstance. More specifically, to an absolute circumstance. Time passes at different rates depending on if a relative is or is not sleeping on your couch, and then is sped or slowed down by the continuing factor of the nature of the relative sleeping on your couch, and the duration in which they continue to sleep there. Also, it determines that couches are the modem for which time changes itself. Professor Morka Milam, Senior Time Continuity Research Director at Walawala Upta University, first discovered the inconsistency of time passage when his wife’s brother came to visit after losing his job. It was supposed to be for a weekend. Milam had not complained about his weekend seeming longer, only that he had spent it with his lazy brother-in-law. The weekend stretched into a week, which felt like two. Then two weeks which felt like four. Professor Milam was torn between wanting to research the phenomenon and getting the lazy bum off his couch. The latter won out, but he decided to continue his study using proxy families and detailing their experience and utilizing temporal measurement devices. The devices concluded that inside the home, the presence of unwanted family created a time warp which actually stretched time beyond its original bounds, as much as tripling the length of time passage in extreme cases. The results were phenomenal. Noting that time could, in fact, decide to selectively slow itself down, Milam set out to see if the opposite were also true. His new test subjects were first male college students allowing distantly related, very hot, promiscuous cousins (third, fourth and fifth cousins, typically two or three time removed) to sleep on their couch. This was a vast failure for two reasons. First, because most of the male college students did not actually have a couch and second because they quickly moved the cousin to their own beds, usually with the college male still in it. Both instances removed the prime factor of the theory, which is, of course, the time fulcrum: the couch.

Not to be deterred, Milam plugged on until his sudden demise, involving a couch, a time warp and an egg beater, whereby another up and coming Temporal Theoreticist stepped up to take his place, named Lapnil Schnapp. Schnapp found the flaw in the research tests and determined to place visiting relatives the family enjoyed seeing to sleep on the couch. It was initially difficult to locate suitable test subjects, as most people only enjoy seeing their relatives initially and after the first day or two, the anxiety begins to build. Schnapp used this phenomenon to create a test model of time flow, showing the initial increase in time passage, two days feeling like one. However, after the initial increase, time slowed down to the general passage, denoted at point 0. After four days the time began to slow and the final findings found that one week created a net loss of two days on the average lifespan. The findings were published, debated and accepted into theory, where the guild then spent the next two thousand years deliberating the merits of making it law. And then the next several years explaining how this would apply to things like worm holes, watches, and clock radios.


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